searching

After a 2 hour delay at the airport, I made it to Nashville, TN for Christmas with the parents. They have moved again, which means I came "home" to a new house that I've never been to before. Fortunately, one of my brothers (Joe) lives right down the road so it doesn't feel like I'm in a completely foreign land. In all honesty, it feels more natural to be here than the last place. Joe has been working on book shelves that will be Christmas presents for my mom and his wife. He came over the first day I was here to see if I was bored and take me on a ride around the country side to drop off presents for his customers. I loved that he wanted to show me the work he's done on the houses (he has his own lawn service business), and I "ohhed" and "awed" with sincere pride. I love that guy!

It's been this search for home and belonging that I've been on the last couple of months. Being up in the air with plans for Japan for over a year has been really unsettling. I really can't stand the question, "so, when do you leave for Japan?" because I have no idea how to answer it. I really can't be angry with people for asking--it's a natural question for those who know about my calling to Japan. But, I'm feeling so much pressure and demands on myself that this question is at times too overwhelming.

I found some video footage from my trip to Japan in 2004 tonight. Watching myself and my students that I taught in Japan really helped me to remember how much I still want to be there. I still can't explain it very well. It's more of this nostalgia of a land that is both so foreign and familiar that I'm wowed by it. The mystery of the anticipated adventure... I hear a lot of people are let down by their expectations, but still, I can't let go of a hope for finding a new world. Maybe I have some unhealthy motivations? Who knows... But I do know this: If I waited to have a pure motive for everything I did, I would never do anything.