my so-called final post

I've been struggling with a final post for months now-wanting to wrap this journey of walking (sometimes crawling) on water. I wanted to have something of significance to report. Something about the exciting next steps that the Lord had in store for me.

I guess I'm giving up tying up this blog with a pretty little bow because it's just not happening. The last 4 months have been very difficult--reminiscent of the dark season when I was raising support before leaving for Japan. Going in to the details wouldn't be helpful or very enlightening for anyone. It's been a time of disappointment and miscarried attempts to piece together a life after Japan. In the end, I'm choosing to say (because I have yet to really feel it in the depths of my soul) that God has a plan for my future and will redeem any bad choices I've made.

I'm typing this post at Anderson University in one of my old favorite study spots (2nd floor, Decker Hall, in front of the collection of napkin rings of Karl Krentz!). Talk about full circles. I'm pretty content sipping the coffee that a student in line behind me purchased for me on his points. That felt like a nice homecoming treat. Anderson felt like a good landing spot while I find my feet again and tune in to what it is the Lord is whispering to my heart. Melissa and Andrew Sprock were generous in offering me their guest room for the meantime.

I'm back to assembling resumes and sending them out with a prayer that they find the right hands. It's both terrifying and exciting at the same time. I'm realizing how scared of failure I am and how I've underestimated myself for a long time. I've always been one that hasn't lived up to her full potential. It's time to dig in and figure why that is.

Anderson? Should I be an ESL teacher's aide? Go on a missions trip this summer when the school term is over? Thailand??

Marion? Coordinator of World Impact at Indiana Weslyan, where I'd train students going on missions trips. Gotta say I'm super excited about this position but have yet to hear back.

Wheaton? Be roomies with a fellow former English teacher in Japan? Be an administrative assistant for a ministry called The Christian Working Woman? Volunteer with refugees through World Relief?

Naperville? Assistant Director or Service and Ministry at North Central College? This position is a lot like the one at Indiana Weslyan, but I know nothing about this school.

These are the lines I've cast out there so far. Not sure what the Lord is up to, but I've heard that He has plans, good plans that will work together for the best life possible. I'm trusting that it's true. And at least for the next 15 minutes, I'll have peace about it. Then, when I don't have that peace, I'll freak out a little bit until the loving voice of my Creator calms me once again.

pressed but not crushed

The tears come at odd times now. I feel like I'm going through a hard break up after leaving Japan. I've avoided looking at pictures, talking too much about it and haven't put together my final newsletter. I just don't know what to say. I rewatched my birthday videos tonight and the the tears came. This is just a hard time and I feel like a crazy person. I've never been so emotional and topsy turvy. I don't like feeling like this and dragging my close friends and family through this crazy mess with me. I was thinking the other night as I was recalling any memorized scripture that I could that I just don't know what I would do without Jesus in my life. If I couldn't cry out to the Lord to steady my shaky knees, what in the world would I do?? What do people do when they have no lasting hope to hold on to? I can't even imagine.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)

happy birthday to me

My good friends surprised me last night with a cake that had my face on it! I was tasty!

a full heart

It's Tuesday and I'm distracting myself with a little bit o' blogging. This is the day I've set aside to finish packing and to clean the apartment. I've felt so blessed by this last week and a half. It's been the perfect ending. Here are some final memories:

*Sunday morning, quite a few of my students showed up to hear my final message. One new student, who only started a month ago, came with his wife and newborn baby. His wife quickly offered for me to hold the baby, which kinda surprised me because that seemed like a big act of trust on her part since it was the first time we had met.

*The church gave me a beautiful pearl necklace as a parting/thank you present. One of the church members patted me on the back and said "good job serving the church." I really sensed the Lord's pleasure in this moment.

*Sunday evening was my final Young Time meeting and I was expecting the usual 6 junior high girls to show up and to have a low-key time with them. To make the night special, I thought I'd surprise them by wearing my yukata (summer kimono). I was in the library of the church with my friend who was helping me get dressed. I could hear some kids in the next room and knew that Yudai (my class clown) had arrived since he was repeatedly trying to open the door of the library. When I emerged from the library, I walked into a room filled with kids and moms. Immediately, my students came to me a started handing me cards and gifts. I was overwhelmed. I had no idea so many children would come! There were 18 kids and 6 junior high girls. It was chaotic and beautiful. I loved that the church members put all of this together without my help, not because I don't like helping, but because it speaks to the fact that they are fully capable of leading the children's ministry and to doing it well. I told the woman who was the leader for the evening how pleased I was and how seeing so many children in the church gave me hope for the future. She said that this was a seed that I had planted, which was something I spoke about in my message that morning.

*One of my 8 year old students wrote me a letter in Japanese, so after the kids left the church my friend Masumi helped me read it. The first line says "Watashi wa Millie Sensei ga daisuki desu." Or, "I love Millie Sensei," but this translation doesn't really capture the full meaning. If I asked this student "Do you like puppies?" or "Do you like chocolate ice cream?" she would answer smiling from ear to ear, in a voice as sweet as cotton candy "DAISUKI!" This is the letter that finally broke the dam that had holding back all of my emotions and tears. I was a weepy mess after this.

*A student from Konoike made a really cute card for me and wrote in it: "I feel sad that you're going to leave here. I wish I could talk to you and go to somewhere...but I had a great time with you. I might meet you because of Jesus??" For sure.

shoma

Shoma. His is the face I'll remember for a long time. When he first came to my English class, I wanted to pull out my hair and his. He refused to join in the class repetitions and would lay on the floor when we played a game. The other boys had been studying with me since the beginning and he joined the class later on. He was behind and was struggling.

There were weeks when I had no patience and pretty much ignored him. If he refused to speak, I didn't coax any type of participation out of him. I just stepped over his body on the floor. Maybe 5 months ago, he started to come alive and he's been fully participating in the class with only a few reminders of behavior issues. His mother thanked the pastor's wife because she's noticed a change in him at home too.

Yesterday, I gave the boys some pictures that I had taken one-on-one with them. I included my mailing address in the envelope. After they finished their ice cream, I noticed Shoma standing at the window looking at the envelope. I wondered what he was thinking. Before he left, he came up to me, without any prompting from anyone, he told me "thank you" in the sweetest voice.

My heart is full.

tired of saying goodbye

This picture is from yet another farewell party today. These are my favorite people in Japan. This is the cafe where Asako and I eat lunch every Monday. I love it. It's so homey for me because it's full of American antiques for sale. This is the same place where I found the amazing penguin salt and pepper shakers last year. These ladies have become my family and I love them! At one point, I thought I should be bawling my eyes out, but the tears haven't come just yet. I think I'm too tired to cry. It's been almost a month of non-stop final trips, final dinners, final everything and I'm emotionally and physically spent. I know all the things I should be feeling, but I feel numb to it all. I hope that's not dissatisfying for my friends and students. I hope I don't come across as unaffected or that I'm itching to get out of here.

world tour of masterpieces in an afternoon

The Otsuka art museum houses full-sized reproductions of masterpieces on ceramic boards. A pretty amazing way to view the art that I've only seen in art books.

Thy mercy my God

Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart and the boast of my tongue;
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affections, and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here;
Sin would reduce me to utter despair;
But, through Thy free goodness, my spirits revive,
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart;
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground,
And weep to the praise of the mercy I’ve found.

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own,
And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son;
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.

words by John Stocker; music by Sandra McCracken

freedom that is ours

I received this message in a daily devotional. It spoke to me about the freedom that has been freely given to me and made me thankful for a Savior who gave his life for me.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is proof—credibility—evidence of the fact that God is at work. (2 Corinthians 3:1-3)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is adequacy—the ability to do what God wants us to do. (2 Corinthians 3:4-5)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, all rules are off. We're operating under the singular law of love that encompasses all others. (2 Corinthians 3:6)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is life. The law kills, but the Spirit gives life. (2 Corinthians 3:6)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is boldness to be who you are. (2 Corinthians 3:12-13)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is no need to hide, or cover up, or put on a false front. (2 Corinthians 3:16)

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is hope. (2 Corinthians 3:12)

This weekend, while America celebrates its independence, we celebrate our independence from ourselves and our freedom to life in the Spirit. Risky, unpredictable, transparent, bold, adventurous, transforming life in the Spirit.

my 4th of July weekend

busy! But, oh so nice!

all pictures can be viewed at: http://picasaweb.google.com/Millie.Michael

Pensive, Doubting, Fearful Heart

Pensive, doubting, fearful heart

Hear what Christ the Savior says

Every word should joy impart

Change thy mourning into praise

Yes, He speaks and speaks to thee

May He help thee to believe

Then thou presently will see

Thou has little cause to grieve

Fear thou not, nor be ashamed

All thy sorrows soon shall end

I, who heaven and earth have framed

Am thy Husband and thy Friend

I, the High and Holy One

Israel's God, by all adored

As thy Savior will be known

Thy Redeemer and thy Lord

For a moment I withdrew

And thy heart was filled with pain

But my mercies I'll renew

Thou shall soon rejoice again

Though I seem to hide my face

Very soon my wrath shall cease

'Tis but for a moment's space

Ending in eternal peace

Though afflicted, tempest tossed

Comfortless awhile thou art

Do not think thou can be lost

Thou art graven on my heart

All thy wastes I will repair

Thou shalt be rebuilt anew

And in thee it shall appear

What the God of love can do

words by John Newton, 1779

Check out Red Mountain Church:

http://www.redmountainchurch.org/rmm/alb/lyrics.html

finding my heartbeat again

fear. let's be honest here. How many decisions do you make based on fear? fear of what others will think/say. fear of missing out on something. fear of regretting something later on.

The one message that is repeated over and over in the Bible is "Do not be afraid." I often go back to Peter walking on the water and how he began to sink when his eyes were taken off of the Lord and he noticed the waves crashing around him. The reality of his situation was surrounding him and he thought, as we all would, "What am I doing?!"

I've had some of this sinking going on in the last month. The reality of going back home to square one is staring me in the face. It's hard. I've had some disappointments here. It hasn't been exactly what I'd hoped it would be. Going back to no big plan isn't exactly what I would call success.

What have I done with these fears? I've not trusted the Lord with my life. I've turned to relationships back home that could make me feel safe instead of putting my life, my hopes and desires in the only hands that are capable to handle them. I've become a whiner, kicking and screaming for my own way, demanding to know time lines and promises that aren't mine to be had just yet. I've been a real treat.

So then, what's to be done with all this mess? The only thing that can be done is to cry out, once again to the Lord and to confess that I haven't trusted him to give me good things. I have placed my own knowledge ahead of his. I have made an idol of safety and an ideal life.

And the Lord runs to me and wraps his arms around me because he sees my broken heart. He draws me close to his chest and I can hear his heart beating again, tuning my own heartbeat to his and there's no other place I'd rather be.

a sweet sweat

There's something really nice about sweating on purpose. Asako wanted to give me a gift that I didn't have to carry home since I have A TON of stuff, so she arranged for us to have a fun day of pampering by going to the spa where we lay on slabs of HOT marble. I could feel the sweat rolling down my back and I loved every minute of it. Getting out all the impurities from my pores. There's some deeper Truth in this, I think. Then, we had an amazing hour long aroma therapy massage. I thought about what Jesus did when he washed his disciples feet and the act of service that he demonstrated. My masseuse was being paid to rub me down, but if you've ever had a massage with no expectation of giving one in return, you get my drift. Anyway, it was a great day and the best gift anyone has ever given me.

Playing supunzu

Please notice how happy Mr. Oyagi is to snatch a spoon! Precious!

Mukade Attacks!

It's rainy season in Japan and that means that the centipedes are here too. These are creepy creatures that make us all crazy! At the end of one of my kid's English classes, we had this uninvited guest. It took about 20 minutes, but we finally got rid of the thing. I was so happy that I brought my camera and got to capture this priceless moment!

unexpected

This was a most interesting day. I've been learning all kinds of lessons lately about making plans and not making plans and searching out God's best plans for my life. Today's curriculum followed suit.

I had invited the student that I wrote about a few posts ago to a beach party put on by a group of churches. There would be a bunch of young, Japanese people who love Jesus and possibly a baptism or two there. I was surprised that she quickly and gladly accepted the invitation (why was I so surprised!? The Lord's really working on her heart!). She was interested in seeing what this baptism thing is all about and to meet the pastors of some young and exciting international churches in the area. The plan was to meet her at the party and see if she would be open to meeting with me and the pastor and his wife to talk through the experience on Thursday. The pastor and his wife were really excited and I was too because it would be a chance to really tag team this ministry thing.

Well, this morning when I woke up it was raining off and on, so the beach party was off. I emailed her and confirmed the cancellation. I was bummed and felt even worse later because the rain totally cleared up. The party/baptism was probably still going to happen but it was too late to reverse the cancellation! (okay...why am I feeling guilty about this? I know I'm good, but I CAN'T control the weather!!)

I reminded myself that there must be a good reason the Lord was turning things in this direction, and this truth was soon evident. We had a young lady come to the church for the first time. Through some broken English/Japanese we discovered that we both love singing and playing piano. She lives just a minute away from the church but had never been there before. She loves gospel music (as a lot of Japanese people do lately) and wanted to see what the church was like. I asked her if she wanted to come back after the Young Time meeting to sing and play together. She said sure!

I don't have a whole lot of sheet music here with me, so I pulled out a copy of Fur Elise and listened to her play a bit. I could tell that she plays more by improvisation so I thought I'd see what she could do with my Sara Groves book. Of course, she's never heard of Sara Groves so it was a risk. The first song we played together-she was on the base line, I took the top and sang the lyrics. I've never played like this with someone, but it was so much fun. I discovered soon that she has an amazing natural sense and we went through the book for a couple of hours. Wow. Any of you who know me well know what Sara Groves means to me. This was such an amazing time and I feel like it was such a gift from the Lord. There I was with this girl I knew for a total of maybe 4 hours and could barely communicate with through English or Japanese, but it was the language of music that brought us together in a really unique way. I'm still just really blown away by how special this afternoon was to me. A great memory, for sure.

And, the best part: I DIDN'T PLAN IT.

June's young time

During our Young Time activity this month, we made a beaded frog cell phone decoration. It was a pretty difficult project but these girls worked really hard till the very end. I was so proud of them! If you want to make one of your own, check out this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IlntLOil64

Our Bible story was the Prodigal Son with a Japanese twist.

lunch out with some students

Another fancy French lunch with some of my English students. They so spoil me and I so let them!

After lunch, we explored the garden behind the restaurant (which used to be an old mansion used by a wealthy man to entertain business clients).

Hoppy Father's Day!

This is a craft I did with my baby English students on Friday.

Kyoto photos

http://picasaweb.google.com/Millie.Michael/Kyoto#

New photos posted!