retro HoneyRock reflections

I found some emails that I sent out to friends summing up some my HoneyRock experience. It may not mean a whole lot to many of you, but I wanted to post it here mainly for my own benefit. Sorry! Purely narcissistic motives!

(dated 6/01/05)
Like many other late nights in recent history, Japan is on my mind. I was cruising the Asian Access webpage and happened upon a fun picture of myself and my fellow soul caregivers last summer. Take a peek:http://www.lifejapan.org/heds/hedstory_041103.html I have sent in my application for the church planting program and am scheduling a phone interview this week. It's been such a long process so far that at the present it feels like Japan was a dream, and I'm remembering a faint whisper of a calling. Pray for that I will remember (with vigor), those in Japan that had such an impact and those who have yet to hear and follow in obedience our Risen Savior.
I am currently sitting in my parent's guest room, listening to Shawn Colvin (a new favorite), attempting to reflect on 3 months of a long winter's service inWisconsin. This is my desperately needed spring break (2 weeks long!). The last that you heard from me was at the beginning of the winter season, I believe. There's been so many EVENTS and THINGS happening--it seems as if I've missed the SPIRIT of it all. Where has Christ been walking alongside me on this road to Emmaus? Have I missed Him this time around? Was my heart burning within me? I'm not even sure.
I hosted a couple of groups that came up to HoneyRock for retreat. They were all so different. The first was from Wheaton COllege. It was the HNGR group (Human Needs and Global Resources) come back from their various internships in third-world countries. This was such a beautiful group of people! So much laughter and comaraderie. I remember one night's bonfire, where stories of God's faithfulness were shared under the canopy of stars and accompanied by the moans of frozen lake (some say it sounds like the songs of whales). The students clumped together for warmth around the fire and shared in their seperate groupings stories of their last 6 months in such a drastically different world. I sat in that circle of nomads and watched the sparks of the fire rise into the air and thought about what joy the Father must have in hearing all these individual stories rise together--thanksgiving sacrifices.

The second hosting opportunity was with Calvary Memorial Church from Oakpark(Chicago). This is a group of "single adults" that have come to HoneyRock for about 15 years now. The same group of adults that started as single adults and have since then become married adults, at least some have. Others are not married, but continue to meet together every year, even after some have moved to other states. Their faithfulness to each other and this common love of their time at HoneyRock was so endearing. They were definietly a unique group of people and were a change of pace from the regular youth group types that came through HoneyRock. Karin, our retreat coordinator, told me that she picked me especially for this group because she "knew I could handle the "quirks" of Ray. Ray is the main contact person of this group. He is an avalanche of a person! I took Karin's comment as a compliment and then I thought, "What in the world have I signed up for?" as I read through the last couple year's reports on the group. I was prepared for the worst. Ray was describes as ecentric, wired, controlling, nitpicky, and domineering. Sounds inviting, huh? In the end, I can say that Ray is a lovely human being and I enjoyed him and this group emmensely! The highlight: square dancing to "Pink Cadilac." You gotta hear the 65 year old woman "call" it first hand to appreciate it fully. I discovered after these two groups that I was officially allergic to lead hosting: I ended both retreats sick and in bed, unable to personally see them off!

Those were the only groups I lead hosted. I was on hosting staff for 5,6, or 7 other groups (they all blend together!). These were all youth groups that came in for the weekends starting after Christmas until the beginning of March. My week shifted around so that Monday and Tuesday became my "weekend" to recover and ready myself for another round of retreats.It was exhausting.

Here's where confession and absolution come in. We were charged with a mission of seeking a "ministry of receiving" based on John 15--the idea of abiding in Christ and receiving ALL things ONLY from Him. I love the imagery from this passage, but I confess, I get lost in the poetry of it all, and I neglect the hard Truth that I can do NOTHING apart from the Father. I brought on myself an unnecessary drought and my roots are parched. I tried to do many things on my own, in my own way, rejecting that which was extended to me. This no doubt, is the source of my disappointment in my time of service as I look back on the season. Why, dear reader, do we scramble to dethrone the One that deserves to be there? A hard lesson to relearn, but I trust in faith that it will prove fruitful for some future happening.

In the midst of this hosting, I continued on as a student, ever reading and writing. And reading and writing... The 13 of us 12 monthers joined forces in a research project on youth culture and curriculum. We observed the youth that came through (about 900 in total!) and put together a 113 page ethnographic analysis of the whole thing. It was really a beautiful thing, all of us coming together to write this monster paper. There were some meetings in the beginning of the project that were not so beautiful. Remember that our 12 month family is learning to love authentically in all our good and bad days? Some of those bad days left me wounded and dragging my injured parts around the camp, wounding others along the way. I was so glad to see the thing finished and out of my hands.

Also in the mix of things was my final comprehensive exam that toke place mid-February. This was a huge hurdle to overcome in anticipation of graduation in May. There were 4 of us that took the test. We will also take part in a retreat the end of April where we will present to all of our professors and fellow-students a case study, of which we have yet to receive and work on. I would appreciate your prayers there.

We made our decisions for our summer positions in Feb. I will be acting as the chaplain for the female staff/students. My co-hort will be Jon Lord--acting as the male's chaplain. I look forward to this summer of serving in this way, anticipating challenges of preaching/teaching (especially in the area of being received as a woman in ministry) and tending to my own soul. A well respected spiritual mother on camp has agreed to serving me as a spiritual guide/prayer warrior for the summer.

significance

Don't you love it when something you've learned in school actually shows up in real life? I suppose my degree is applicable to life all the time since it has to do with Spiritual Formation--and you just can't shut off that function.

At my job (working as a barista at a coffee shop), our supervisor recently decided to move back home to South Dakota. This is leaving a spot open for the position and my manager approached me to step into it. My co-workers were all very supportive and were encouraging me to do it. Beware: now's when my pride flares up. I was feeling pretty good about this. In fact, I started to feel like I was the BEST person for this job. God didn't let me live like this for long, thank goodness! I had to check my motives and my heart's attitude a lot. I vacillated in my decision; some days I wanted it, but most days the thought of the added responsibility made me crazy. In the end, I went into my interview praying that I wouldn't get the position because my future departure for Japan might be sooner than later (yeah!) and it wouldn't be in my company's best interest to move me up.

So now, it's 3 am and I'm wide awake from the caffeine I've inhaled/digested today and thinking of a Henri Nouwen article I've read a million times at Wheaton College. Here's a link for the entire article I found on-line: http://www.fbccs.org/resources/papers/soli_comm_mini.asp It's well worth the read. Check it out!

The part that is jumping out to me tonight is Nouwen's idea that we have to be secure in our identity in Christ to minister effectively and this comes out of solitude with Jesus. "...your freedom is anchored in claiming your belovedness. That allows you to go into this world and touch people, heal them, speak with them, and make them aware that they are beloved, chosen, and blessed. When you discover your belovedness by God, you see the belovedness of other people and call that forth. It's an incredible mystery of God's love that the more you know how deeply you are loved, the more you will see how deeply your sisters and your brothers in the human family are loved."

I am significant, not because others look to me for leadership and guidance, but because I am wholly known and wholly loved. I am the beloved of Christ and that is the only identity I need.

One step closer, maybe...

My heart is full today as I think about a new opportunity that God has given me for Japan. This is all coming so quickly and it's hard to explain in an orderly way. Here's an excerpt from an email I sent to some friends this week:

"You may have received a letter from Asian Access this last week updating you and my supporters with the latest. As you may have guessed, it wasn't an easy letter to send. God has been doing a lot with me in the whole thing. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. It's a long explanation and the lines are a little blurry, but the short of it is that I am ready to look at other ways to get to Japan than with Asian Access. You may remember that 2 years ago, in the beginning of all this, an option to go with the Church of God (Anderson) was a possibility. I've been in touch with a couple of young women who have been serving there as SAMs (Special Assignment Missionaries) with the Church of God over the last 2 years. I'm realizing that my heart still yearns for Japan and that I am now willing to look at other options. Many people have asked me why I haven't considered other options (going with a denomination or teaching English with a Japanese company) and my answer always was that I am committed to Asian Access and am passionate about their vision for ministry in Japan. I can't say that these things are no longer true. But, I can say that I don't think now is the time for me to "marry" with Asian Access.

I think that having the stability of a denominational missions program is a good thing for a young, single female just starting out in this field. Choosing the Church of God is comfortable because of my 20+ years connection with them. The ministry assignment is very similar to what I would be doing with Asian Access (teaching English as a means of evangelism with 3 Japanese churches in Kobe and Osaka). I would be in the same area as some Asian Access missionaries that I have started to build relationships with. It's a 2 year minimum commitment with a salary and no support raising responsibilities. I would leave sometime late August or early September.

I feel very excited but still reserved in my celebration. I've had my hopes up so many times before, I'm afraid of being burned again. I just can't ignore this desire to be in Japan when there is this amazing opportunity standing in front of me. For a long time, I gave myself a guilt trip for thinking about taking the "easy way out" by choosing a salaried position. Some how I got the wrong idea that support raising was an ultra-spiritual way to do missions. I am humbled now."

When the letter went out to my supporters, it was a big reality check for me. I realized just how much I was worried about the way I would be perceived. I was worried that they would think I was a flake or not listening to God or something. I'm learning (once again!!) that I can't be motivated by what other people think of me.

So, right now I am back in the application process for this SAM program. If my references go through okay, I should be invited for an interview in Anderson some time soon. I'm guessing that I should know mid-June or so about the final decision. So far, I feel a huge sense of peace to step forward. I just need to think through the details (whether I can pay my student loans with my salary, insurance, ministry philosophy, etc.) Needless to say--I'm excited!

just around the bend...

props to Alina Croall for the amazing picture! Can't wait to see this in Kyoto for myself...

to the zoo

I had the day off of lattes today, so I took the opportunity to join my neices in an outing to the zoo in Nashville. The giraffe was quite taken with me, and I with him!

Enjoy!

heart break

My heart is breaking today. My supporters received a letter this week explaining my present circumstances and how I am taking a leave of absence from active support raising. It feels like the beginning of the end.

I've never experienced this personally, and maybe I'm speaking from ignorance, but it almost feels like a miscarriage of sorts. It's hard to describe.

created and loved

Psalm 33 (NLT)
Let the godly sing for joy to the Lord;

it is fitting for the pure to praise him.

Praise the Lord with melodies on the lyre;

make music for him on the ten-stringed harp.

Sing a new song of praise to him;

play skillfully on the harp, and sing with joy.

For the word of the Lord holds true,

and we can trust everything he does.

He loves whatever is just and good;

the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth.

The Lord merely spoke,

and the heavens were created.

He breathed the word,

and all the stars were born.

He assigned the sea its boundaries

and locked the oceans in vast reservoirs.

Let the whole world fear the Lord,

and let everyone stand in awe of him.

For when he spoke, the world began!

It appeared at his command.

The Lord frustrates the plans of the nations

and thwarts all their schemes.

But the Lord’s plans stand firm forever;

his intentions can never be shaken.
What joy for the nation whose God is the Lord,

whose people he has chosen as his inheritance.

The Lord looks down from heaven

and sees the whole human race.

From his throne he observes

all who live on the earth.

He made their hearts,

so he understands everything they do.

The best-equipped army cannot save a king,

nor is great strength enough to save a warrior.

Don’t count on your warhorse to give you victory—

for all its strength, it cannot save you.
But the Lord watches over those who fear him,

those who rely on his unfailing love.

He rescues them from death

and keeps them alive in times of famine.

We put our hope in the Lord.

He is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,

for our hope is in you alone.

My God is the creator of the universe and still he cares, intensely about the intimate details of MY life! I am in awe of His care for me in such a BIG and BEAUTIFUL world!

missing malaysia

Next week, my Asian Access buddies will be living it up in Malaysia for our annual spring retreat. This year is a special celebration marking our mission's 40th anniversary! Being the youngest child that I am, I'll admit I'm feeling a little left behind on this side of the ocean! But, I'll be celebrating here in TN as my brothers and sisters thank God for His faithfulness in using Asian Access to extend the transforming power of the gospel in Asia!

Does anybody know of any good allergy remedies? Spring in TN is kicking my butt! Or rather, my nose, ears, and throat! I hear that eating honey from local bees is the way to do it...

I started my new part-time job at Borders last week. I'll be a barista when the new cafe opens in April. It seems like that's all I've been doing recently: starting and ending new jobs. Ah yes, the life of a 20-something. Don't envy me, my mid-life friends. I heard someone say once that we are expected in our 20's to make the most important decisions of our lives with the least amount of life experience. So not fair! Let's all agree that retirement should be after high school, then college can come when we're around 65. Sound like a plan?

Ouch...

aching backs...that's what 2 hours of yard work and and hour and a half in the smallest attic ever will give you!

My days are filled with "little" projects that keep me busy. It's good to work with my hands, raking last fall's leaves that have been keeping our spring flowers warm and cozy all winter. I love spring, don't you?! The imagery of new life and resurrection that come along with Easter. I was thinking a lot about that as I was raking, pretty aggressively. I was afraid I would damage the tender shoots but I knew that there wasn't much else to be done but to use some force to get rid of all the junk. Life imitates nature...another living parable.

I'm excited that for the first time since I was in high school, all of my books are in the same place at the same time! How could I keep such good friends in boxes, covered in dust for so long! I have a big sense of accomplishment having put together the bookshelf myself. Yeah, girlpower! I even used tools! :)

Has anyone seen The Guardian? I admit the previews left me kinda cold. It just looked like another macho action flick...but I have to tell you that I'm really impressed. Basic idea: it's about the Coast Guard. The motto of the Coast Guard is "So that others may live." Sound familiar? At the end there's a narrative about a "Fisher of Men" that saves people from boat wreckage. It got me thinking about the picture I had in my head from all those Sunday School lessons about Jesus asking those fishermen to join him and become fishers of men. My family's big into fishing...I know how sharp those hooks are. Ask my cat, who became an innocent victim of an unfortunate lure catastrophe (hehe, sorry!). Anyway, I always had this picture that Christians were walking around with fishing poles in their hands ready to cast out and snag unsuspecting heathens. Ouch!

This movie gave me another picture: we are all shipwrecked in a massive catastrophe called life. We're going to drown if we don't get some help. There is one who risked his life for us so that we may live.

How beautiful is that?

for my Mom

Shortly after arriving, my mom was permanently laid-off of her job. This is a mixed blessing because she was having to drive so long everyday to Nashville and back to Clarksville. The obvious downside is that she has no job. We've had some good catching up time with lots of furniture moving, trips to Kroger, finding the local library and celebrating my sister-in-law's birthday.

Mom could use your prayers for this uncertain time. Unemployment doesn't necessary give anyone a morale boost! I'm thankful that God brought me here just in time. We're trying to get healthy and whole together, and the mutual encouragement has been just the right thing for me and for her too. Pray that I will find the best way to love my Dad. It's a hard thing to do since he has become a complete stranger to me in the last 4 years.

Yes, indeed God does have a plan for us. A plan to prosper us and NOT to harm us. A plan of HOPE and future. He will not despise a humble heart poured out before him.

Continue to bend my will to Yours, Lord.